Raise Your Hand If You Hate Migraines!!

Friday I had one of the worst migraines in quite a while. I needed to get a shot, but I couldn't find anyone to take me to to Doc, so I had to beg for a couple of lortab from a friend of mine. Then I started throwing up. And my head felt like it was caving in. Who knew you could shoot french toast out your nose?

Bring On The Colorful Scarves!!

I saw the oncology surgeon on 12/1. I really liked her. Some of that had to do with the fact that she reminds me of a friend I went to high school with (props to DUVA!!). Most of it, however, had to do with the fact that she has a great sense of humor and...well..."went there" with me! You gotta love that!

The other thing that I love is that she actually spent time listening to my questions...what few I had left. I had a bunch written down, ya know? And she answered every single one of them without me having to open up my notebook! Ok...I admit that I had one left, and the reason I even asked it was because she told me to look at my questions to make sure that I had asked, or she had answered, everything I needed to know. This doc ROCKS!!!! And, can I say that she did a fellowship in breast oncology at Memorial Sloan Kettering? I know I'm in good hands here and I feel so much better.

Speaking of "better", I noticed that ever since the 24th, when Dr. Macedo (she also ROCKS, by the way) told me about my cancerous state of being, I was more emotional than usual. Now, don't be all rollin' your eyes and stuff and saying "Well no shit, Sherlock!". I am not an emotional person. Ok, animals and children make me emotional...but stuff about me? Not so much. I'm what you call a "stuffer". I not only stuff, but I compartmentalize. It's easier that way.

Anyways, because I'm a "stuffer", I had many instances when I would just find myself  with tears rolling down my cheeks for no apparent reason that I could discern. My bafflement was complete. I mean, for instance I would...literally...sit there and think, "Jesus Christ on rollerskates!! This is a a freakin' PANTY LINER COMMERCIAL!!! Why are you CRYING??!!!"  It was horrible.

It lasted right up until I saw who I shall now refer to as, "My Dr. Flynn". I think after I saw her, I felt that I was moving forward and actually doing something. Although we can't complete my treatment plan until the genetic testing results come back, at least we're planning to have a plan. And I think that sense of control I felt then make me feel a hundred times better.

So, I mentioned eariIer that My Dr. Flynn (besides reminding me of Duva), has a great sense of humor. She actually went there with me when we discussed "mashing" versus "examining". She swore that she wasn't going to "mash" me, only that she was going to "examine" me. And  I  told her that one woman's "examine" was another woman's "mash". . She laughed and said "What am I going to do with you?".

*sigh*...but I digress on the magnitute of hugeness. So...My Dr. Flynn gave me as much information as she could. At the moment, the cancer in my lymph node is classified as "occult", meaning, "Where the hell did it come from?".  Also, because I am the 4th generation of women in my family to have breast cancer, I am being tested for the BRCA1 & BRAC2 genetic mutation. If I am positive for either, I will lose one if not both of my breasts. Women who have the mutation get breast cancer at a rate of 60%, which is 45%-50% above women who do not have genetic or familial type breast cancer. Women with that genetic mutation without mastectomy will see a reoccurance of breast cancer up to 72% of the time, and this includes women who do NOT have bilateral mastectomies.

The test results will come back in about 3 weeks. The 3 weeks I will have waited won't make a difference treatment-wise. Because the cancer has moved into the lymph nodes, I will be having chemo. The key is the test results. If it comes back positive, I will definitely be getting a bi-lateral mastectomy. If not? Well, if not, we'll discuss my familial history and I will make the final decision there.

I don't want to lose one breast, let alone two. But I'll do it to save my life.

Oh, and I need to know where I can get some cool, colorful scarves. Because when I do my chemo and lose my hair? I will NOT DO WIGS!!!

Life Goes On At TNTs

I decided to go out last night because one of my very good friends asked me to go to TNTs grand reopening. Rolled into that was a canned food drive & raffle for Tulsa CARES. So, all in all, a good reason to go out and try to have a good time.

Actually it was nice seeing lots and lots of very attractive lesbians in one space! I made the acquaintance of one of them awhile back at another little bar in town and she just happened to be there last night. Drunker than a skunk, she was! She actually, in her drunken state, reached out and touched someone...that someone being me, of course. She had a fascination with my breastesses! LOL!

Once I removed her hands from "the girls", I thought to myself "Jeeze, I might be short one in a couple of weeks. Maybe I should just let her have at it!" But then my sense of decorum kicked in. Heh... :~)

I did have a good time last night. I had fun just people watching and generally enjoying my life.

Cancer, you WILL be my bitch!!!!

Nervous? Check. Scared? Double-Check.

People keep asking that. "Are you nervous? Are you scared?"  Well, hell yeah I'm nervous and scared! But, not about dying. That is the furthest thing from my mind right now. I'm nervous and scared about the PAIN! I mean, I know I'll be having surgery. THAT'S what I'm nervous and scared about. You see, I am a whimp with a low pain threshold.

Radiation and chemo. I can't stop thinking about those two things and what a pain in the ass they're going to be if I need to do either one. I'll either run around feeling like I've got a sunburn on my chest or I'll go bald. Or maybe both. Of course I've been thinking that if I have chemo and I do go bald, I won't have to worry about having a bad hair day for awhile! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Hey man. I've gotta laugh. If I don't I'll just mope around feeling sorry for myself. And that's not how I roll, baby!

I'm A Walking Ball Of Cancerous Funk

The Breast Center has a rule. No one gets their results unless they have someone with them. I like that rule. It makes sense. My friend Debi was with me when Dr. Macedo came in the room with the films. I'm glad she was there. Because I sure as hell didn't expect to hear that I had cancer. Again. The area with the calcifications looked like a ductal carcinoma in situ. Not so bad. The lymph node "appears to be metastatic". Bad. Bad, especially since nothing on the xrays or ultrasound shows where it came from. The lab still needed to do more testing to see if the cancers are receptor positive. They appear to be 2 different types of cancer and are not related to the cervical cancer I had back in September. What the fuck? I mean really. What the FUCK?!

So, in all honesty, my external freak-out lasted about 2 minutes. Once it was over, I discovered that I had a ball of anxiety mixed with nausea in the pit of my stomach. It is still there even as I type. I don't have time for this shit. I really, REALLY don't have time. I don't have time for surgery. I don't have time for radiation. I don't have time for any of this crap.

I'm not even thinking about whether or not I'm gonna die from this. I'm thinking about the fact that I got laid off Sep 18th, had a hysterectomy on Sep 29th, was released to go back to work on Nov 9th, haven't yet found employment, and now THIS! FUCK! FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!!

Biopsy Day!!!

When I showed up on the 24th with my good friend Anna (she drove me, God bless her!) I was informed that I was going to have 2 procedures. Of course they didn't tell me that the first procedure was going to be in the "BIOPSY MACHINE FROM HELL!!!"

Imagine yourself as a car. A car on a rack. A car on a rack jacked up with people underneath you doing stuff to you. Stuff that you can't see. That's the machine. It's a big table with a hole in the middle of it, and through this hole dangles your breast. I have to ask, though, WHO THE HELL PUT THE HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE???!!!! This machine had to have been designed by a man who somehow had the idea that a woman's breasts were in the dead center of her body. You see, had I been any taller, my feet would have seriously hung off the end.

I'm sure the design was so they could fit all of the equipment, etc under the "rack", but Jesus Christ on roller skates, man! Use a little common sense!!

Anyway, I got myself situated flat on my back with my head turned to the right, my left arm straight down by my side and my right hand up near my head. My left breast was hanging through that frikkin' hole and all I could feel were hands...yanking and pulling and stretching the damned thing so it could be SQUISHED IN THE CLAMP OF EVIL!!  Actually, they need to do that...hold the breast in one spot. Once they get your "womanly flesh" situated so everything is showing up on the computer like it should...?  Then...then you are told not to move.

Dear God, I never wanted to move so much in my life. It was motherfucking uncomfortable! It wouldn't have been so bad had my neck not been messed up from a car crash a couple of months earlier. Alas, it was messed up and I was about ready to scream by the time it was over. The actual biopsy itself was...like...2 minutes! It was getting situated perfectly that took forever.

Once pressure had been put on my breast for...like...5 years...the bleeding stopped and I was steri-stripped up. I was then led to the ultrasound room for the biopsy on the lymph node. Now, this was pretty neat because I was lying in such a way that I could see everything on the ultrasound machine. I wasn't in any pain (thank you Dr. Macedo!) so it was really interesting to watch. This procedure didn't take nearly as long as the other, because the lymph node stuck out like a sore thumb. Again, pressure on my breast for several minutes and the steri-strips across the small nick in the skin.

I was told to come back the next day, (Wed the 25th) to get my results. 2pm, here I come!

A Lovely Time Was Had By All At St. John's Breast Center!

You know, I hate breast squishage. It's uncomfortable and just plain annoying as hell. And I am truly amazed every single time they are able to take my C-cup and smash it flatter'n a fritter. But, I digress...

When I arrived for my appointment on the 12th of Nov, I didn't have to wait at all. I was in the room getting squished within 5 minutes of my arrival. The tech was great and I got to see the images. Of course I had no clue what I was looking at, not being a radiologist and all...But it was pretty cool! Once all the film was taken, the radiologist reviewed it and lo and behold, not only was the lump I felt visible, but she also saw a small cluster of microcalcifications. See, that's why she gets paid the big bucks and not me, because I could BARELY see the damn things! How she saw them is mind-boggling.

Because they needed to get a closer look, I was squished even more but just in those 2 specific spots. Not fun. Not pleasant. The area under my armpit, the upper left side of my chest, and down my entire left arm was just aching by the time we were done. I figure that big lymph node had it's own party going on right then, which is why everything ached so much. Speaking of the lymph node, they whipped me right into the ultrasound room to get some pictures of it.

After all that was done, the radiologist came in and said that we needed to biopsy both of those areas. She also noted that I had a mammogram there back in 2004 and it was recommended then that I come back in 6 months for a recheck of that pesky lymph node. She eyeballed me and said, "And why didn't you come back?!"

Well, what could I say, really. I just admitted it....I said, "Umm...because I'm a bad patient?" Yeah. Yeah, I am. I'm a horrible patient, actually, and I don't do the things I'm supposed to do sometimes. Like get mammograms and paps regularly...

So, once all the goop was cleaned off and I was dressed, I left there with an appointment card. November 24th was "biopsy day". Oh joy...